I was supposed to go to Folk Life and then both the people I was planning on going with bailed. And now I’m just upset and people have been bailing a lot lately and I can’t help wondering why. And I really want pizza from this hole in the wall place I found and it’s only a 10 minute drive away on 1st street. And I just wish I had a boyfriend who would go do these things with me because these would be great things to do.

I just really want to tell you to fuck off. FUCK OFF, FUCK YOU. And I want to tell a few other people that too. And I wish all of you could just look inside my thoughts if only to feel what I have felt and maybe then you wouldn’t think I was so insane. I need to leave this place and all the people in it and leave for good. I need a fresh start. 

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Been sleeping ALL day. Have barely eaten. Wasn’t even that hungover because I went home last night when I could finally manage someone to take me. Unbelievable what some people can do and not even feel bad about it. You are a piece of shit.

Sometimes there is just so much spinning around in my head it’s like all the thoughts latch onto strings that wind so tight they cause headaches and bad luck and frowns and just sadness. Overwhelmingly sad. 

I just want to breathe and relax but I don’t know how. Anxiety is such a tough battle to beat. Because I don’t really know if it can be won. How do you teach yourself to not care? Well you can’t, so you don’t. 

My life is a series of phases. Ebbing all the time. When the moon shines I am expectant, hopeful, happy even. When the clouds tumble in I am troubled, anxious, angry even. I walk around with a big heavy head, weighted by all of the thoughts, enormous in their run-ons.  I want to be in love. No, I want to fall in love. I want to move away to an exoctic location. I want to scream at you all the things that I never said and I want you to love me (platonically don’t get your panties in a bunch) because of it and admit that I’m right and you’re wrong and that you FINALLY understand my pain. I want to dance up in down the halls just because I feel like it, I want to bathe in the sunshine and inhale it through every pore to keep it on backup when the rain starts again. Because the rain always starts again. I want to free myself of all insecurities like I’m drunk, but not actually be drunk. I want to have an absolutely amazing prom night and have no doubt that I am where I need to be. I want to be okay with who I am and feel like it’s right that way. I just want a sense of contentment. I want to busy myself in the puzzle that is some new and spectacular boy who reserves a certain corner of my mind. I want the cliched, AMURICAN romance. All that fucking shit that is ridiculous. And yeah, I’m admitting it. I want to make money and love my potentially new job. I want to feel full, I want to feel satisfied.

A series of run-ons always ebbing. The worst of it is that you won’t ever understand my pain and I will always want you in my life even when you’re stomping your stupid feet all over my emotions with your stupid face that sucks the life out of people. You’re stupid in case you didn’t understand that. And you’re ruining all my run-ons. Because the rest of that was good.

The rest of my life will be good, too.

Watched Rushmore all the way through today FINALLY and in one sitting. LOVED it.

Here’s that overwhelming urge to escape again. I would rather be anywhere else than where I am right now. Physically and mentally.

I try and try and it’s exhausting and I don’t know how I feel about that much of anything anymore except that I deserve better and am entitled to feel whatever it is that I do. I’d like to leave this place and never come back if it meant not having to deal with these fucking people and this fucking horrible shit that is so bad it is almost comical.

It’s probably the sunshine or Gavin DeGraw playing right now that has snapped me into optimism. But I know that no matter what, through all of this, I will be okay. And this isn’t my first and won’t be my last disappointment. But the beautiful thing about all of this is that I won’t make these mistakes again, nor will I waste time on this person again. And I have so much ahead of me. I get to live. And that is so fucking remarkable.

I feel a twisted knot in my stomach that is stationary. A constant reminder of the mistakes I’ve made and the misplaced faith I have dealt out. I am silly to think that it would be okay.  It hadn’t even hit bottom yet. I think this is bottom. But really it is hard to tell. I just don’t even know what to do anymore. I am at a complete loss.

I need a new life. I need a new everything. I want to just start completely fresh. I hate this.

Don’t munipulate my feelings that ain’t fair to me. I can’t carry this pain I gotta let go. Tryna tell myself you wasn’t that special. Had me breathing in stress instead of oxygen.

I have recently come to the realization that people change. But no matter what, they cannot change back. No matter how much you want them to. Or even if they want to. Because whatever happened thus far happened, and it cannot be undone or unlived and they are changing all the time. I get that this sounds simple, but sometimes even the simplest of things are hard to truly grasp.

My mind resides in memories of the people you used to be. And I keep thinking you will come to your senses and snap out of it, but that is nonsensical. Even if you did come to your senses, you have been more yous than you were when you were the you that I liked. And all of those yous add up to make the You now. It is depressing and shitty but maybe someone else feels this way about me too. 

could it possibly get any worse?

The answer is yes, yes it really could. Worst day. Worst day.